Ancient Greek civilisation a forgery; and 10 things to do with a female Mossad agent

The Onion has the story:

Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks

WASHINGTON—A group of leading historians held a press conference Monday at the National Geographic Society to announce they had “entirely fabricated” ancient Greece, a culture long thought to be the intellectual basis of Western civilization.

The group acknowledged that the idea of a sophisticated, flourishing society existing in Greece more than two millennia ago was a complete fiction created by a team of some two dozen historians, anthropologists, and classicists who worked nonstop between 1971 and 1974 to forge “Greek” documents and artifacts. …

According to Haddlebury, the idea of inventing a wholly fraudulent ancient culture came about when he and other scholars realized they had no idea what had actually happened in Europe during the 800-year period before the Christian era.

Frustrated by the gap in the record, and finding archaeologists to be “not much help at all,” they took the problem to colleagues who were then scrambling to find a way to explain where things such as astronomy, cartography, and democracy had come from.

Within hours the greatest and most influential civilization of all time was born.

“One night someone made a joke about just taking all these ideas, lumping them together, and saying the Greeks had done it all 2,000 years ago,” Haddlebury said. “One thing led to another, and before you know it, we’re coming up with everything from the golden ratio to the Iliad.”

“That was a bitch to write, by the way,” he continued, referring to the epic poem believed to have laid the foundation for the Western literary tradition. “But it seemed to catch on.” …

Much is explained.  I never believed that Alexander was real, did you?  I mean, a bunch of Greeks march right the way across the known world, defeat everyone they meet, and then just get bored and go home?

In other news (h/t PhDiva), apparently a rabbi in Israel has ruled that female Mossad agents who sleep with people to entrap them are not breaking the law of Moses.  At least, a journalist has said so, so of course I believe it.

An Israeli rabbi has given his blessing to female agents of Israel’s foreign secret service, Mossad, who may be required to have sex with the enemy in so-called “honey-pot” missions against terrorists. …

There is a catch, however, for married honey-pots. “If it is necessary to use a married woman, it would be best [for] her husband to divorce her. … After the [sex] act, he would be entitled to bring her back,” Schvat wrote. …

Schvat’s study was praised by Tzomet’s director, Rabbi Yisrael Rosen, who added that “women employees of the Mossad are probably not going to come consult with a rabbi” before their missions.

This is very bad news.  Barely a week goes by without some hussy with an Israeli accent turning up on my doorstep and demanding to have sex with me in order to discover everything I know about terrorism.  It’s one of the risks of blogging about Arabic.  Thus far I have always fobbed them off with questions about the Jewish law. 

But it seems that  Mossad have got wind of my ploy.  No doubt “Reverend” Schvat was paid off big time for this betrayal of all of us celibate blogging hunks.  What man is now safe?

Trouble is, all these female agents are desperately ugly and diseased.  But one does not like to say so, particularly as they are always heavily armed, always willing to kill, and often rather touchy. 

Furthermore they are all wired up for sound, which tends to cool everyone’s ardour.  Knowing that your colleagues will be listening to it all and laughing at your seduction routine and repeating selected portions in the canteen is somewhat off-putting.  Nor do I wish to be reported for sexism to the Equality commission by some aggrieved wench. 

Truly life is a vale of tears.  Perhaps I should just get a dog.

1 Response to “Ancient Greek civilisation a forgery; and 10 things to do with a female Mossad agent”


  1. Hey Bro

    Alexander existed, but he was simply…Macedonian :)